Content Warning: Spoilers for Celine Song’s 2025 film “Materialists.” If you loved the movie, ignore this review. Go read something else, like this unpopular review of “Meet Joe Black” I wrote a million years ago. Or keep reading and tell me why I’m wrong in the comments.

Okay, so technically, critics liked it well enough to give “Materialists” a comfortable 77% on Rotten Tomatoes, but I wasn’t one of them. Since the movie was pitched as a modern-day romcom starring Dakota Johnson, Pedro Pascal, and Chris Evans, I thought “Materialists” would be a fun time. It was not. If anything, I felt depressed after watching it, even though it technically has a “happy” ending.

What I learned is that I have a very different definition of the word “comedy.” For myself, a comedy is supposed to be funny. However, I guess for other critics, biting social commentary about modern dating is enough to qualify.

If there’s one truth “Materialists” captured, it’s that dating sucks and is a risky venture that doesn’t always pay. Beyond that, I’m not entirely sure I agreed with some of the movie’s messages, which seemed to be, “It’s okay to not marry for money if the other person is extremely attractive.”

The main conflict in “Materialists” is that Lucy Mason (Johnson), a matchmaker, is caught in a love triangle between her hot-but-poor ex-boyfriend, John, and Henry Castillo (Pascal), the handsome, wealthy, kind man who, for some reason, seems really into her. Henry can offer Lucy the comfortable, financially secure life she’s always wanted, but she’s drawn to John, the love of her life, whom she broke up with because of financial stress. John and Lucy were both out-of-work actors, and while Lucy transitioned into the world of romance, John remained unsuccessful. Despite all that, Lucy chooses to be with John in the end, because she loves him more than she’s terrified of their crappy finances.

Throughout the movie, vignettes and bits of dialogue highlight the shallower aspects of the dating world. The men usually want a beautiful woman who’s younger than them and “not fat,” whereas the women all request men at least 6 ft tall and with a good hairline. Both unrealistic standards are criticized.

In all fairness to the movie, I liked that it pointed out the double standard some people have about dating shorter men. I can’t control my height any more than the average man, and the average man is 5’9”, but for many women, this is a deal-breaker. My height doesn’t present the same issue in the dating world. I think it’s shallow and unfair to completely discount a human being as a romantic partner over something they have no control over.

Yes, many men have unreasonable standards when it comes to dating women, which the movie also criticizes. However, given the revelation that Henry Castillo underwent tibial lengthening surgery and his comments that this highly painful procedure improved his life, men’s height is a significant focus of the film. And I agree that it is something we could be a lot nicer about.

So I wonder why “Materialists” felt the need to undercut its message (or maybe not), by casting the 6 ft tall hunk Chris Evans in the role opposite Pascal. I would have believed the love story a hell of a lot more if Lucy’s love interest were on the shorter side. I’d read somewhere that the original love interest for Lucy’s character was the 5’7” Jeremy Allen White. As evidenced by his Calvin Klein commercial, Jeremy Allen White is the kind of guy plenty of people will thirst over, but as he’s shorter than average and just a little grimy, he’d would have been a better contrast against Pedro Pascal’s smooth charm. If Lucy had chosen her broke, short ex-boyfriend over the tall, handsome financier, I think the message about loving people for the joy they bring you, not their material/physical attributes, would have been stronger.

I’ve heard some critics compare Celine Song, the writer, director, and producer of “Materialists” and “Past Lives,” to Jane Austen, and I don’t think the comparison is unwarranted. Like Jane Austen, Song’s observations of the clash between romance and financial security are frighteningly accurate. The scene (shared above) in which Lucy tries to explain to Henry that, as an attractive, wealthy man, he could easily secure a younger, more “valuable” woman than herself was an almost word-for-word recreation of conversations I regularly hear in some of my social circles.

Celine Song is a gifted writer, and I don’t think the screenplay was the issue here. I’m even looking forward to what she writes in the future, but that doesn’t mean I agree with all of her choices, especially when it comes to casting. Even when I criticize Chris Evans for being too handsome for the role (which he is), he’s still a decent actor. Pedro Pascal is good in everything, and every woman wants his babies, so he’s great. As for Dakota Johnson, I have no clue how to feel about her.

I thought Dakota Johnson was good in “The Peanut Butter Falcon” and terrible in “Fifty Shades of Grey,” and, unfortunately, for this movie, I’m leaning more towards “oh no she bad.” There were moments when her sense of humor seemed to shine through, but for the most part, she seemed disinterested in her romantic interests. I wasn’t rooting for her to end up with either guy because her chemistry with them was nonexistent. In all fairness to Johnson, the character quite literally refers to herself as cold, but that didn’t translate to a compelling watch. If I’m watching a movie in which the endgame is for two exes to be together, then I want to want for them to be together. I didn’t get the feeling that Dakota Johnson cared, so why should I?

I may be spoiled by the existence of stories like “Persuasion,” which reek of yearning, characters like Jess and Nick from “New Girl,” who have their ups and downs despite their explosive chemistry, or literally any 80’s movie featuring two leads. I had hoped Materialists would be as good as one of those movies and bring back the lost Rom Com, but I think we still have some ways to go.

Oh, also, the score sucked so bad. The movie’s soundtrack was one of those bland tracks a yoga instructor plays in the background during class to hide the sounds of squeaking yoga mats and farts.