Content Warning: Some spoilers for the Tim Burton movies “Beetlejuice” and “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.”

“Happy Hagfish, ew, you’re obsessed with the latest Beetlejuice movie? Gross. Pathetic. You should only like cool gothic girly pop content like ‘The Substance’ and ditch Burton for Henry Selick.”  

I’m sorry to say this, but once upon a time, your girl was an impressionable teenager suffused in teen angst, and the only balm for that teen angst were the combined works of Tim Burton and Phantom of the Opera.

As much as I enjoyed the disgusting pulpiness of “The Substance” and agree that Henry Selick is a visionary, I still have a soft spot for some of Burton’s works. I don’t think he or his work is perfect, but when I watch one of his movies and am temporarily transported away from the horrors of this world to the horrors of his, I can’t help but enjoy myself and want more.

In high school, my friends and I loved “Beetlejuice” (and all of Burton’s other works). As I watched the edited version of “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice” on a plane, those once-forgotten feelings returned. Once again, Michael Keaton stole the show as the ghost with the most, but Catherine O’Hara easily matched his energy. Winona Ryder was the heart of the movie, returning to her iconic role as Lydia Deetz, who is now struggling to connect with her willful daughter, Astrid, a perfectly cast Jenna Ortega. Justin Theroux brought his best as Rory, Lydia’s slimy fiance, obviously taking advantage of her emotionally weakened state. Most importantly, the movie felt like a continuation of the previous story rather than an overhyped Reunion Special cynically cashing in on people’s nostalgia (although sometimes that’s unavoidable).

However, as much as I want to make this series a trilogy, there were a few areas for improvement. And I don’t like offering critiques without offering alternatives, so I’ll offer my suggestions for improvement as well as my ideas for a third movie because I want to be helpful (and hired to be on the writing staff).

As much as I want to applaud this film for its originality, there were a few unnecessary callbacks to the original film that didn’t fit the flow of this movie. For instance, the song “Day-O” featured heavily in the advertising for “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice,” as it was the song the main characters danced to in the possession sequence in the first film. It’s not just that I dislike the song “Day-O” (someone forced the DJ to play it at a party I went to, and it killed the vibe faster than a wet fart), but Burton chose to use this song as the one played at Charles Deetz’ funeral in the beginning of the second film. I understand the point of using music to encourage the audience to reminisce about the first film, but it didn’t make sense to have the song sung at the characters’ funeral. I’ve had some pretty memorable experiences with my family at Disneyland on Main Street, but that doesn’t mean I’d want “Put On Your Sunday Clothes” to be sung by a children’s choir at my funeral.

I loved “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice” and am vying for a “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice,” but to help the third movie avoid some of the pitfalls that trilogies fall into, I’m going to offer some constructive criticism (and a few original ideas that I think would be fun).

Tim Burton, if you’re reading this, all I ask for in exchange is a writer’s credit. And a paycheck. Gracias.

Regarding “Big Bads” for film number three, I think we need to consider bringing Delores back. Delores was a ghoul capable of consuming the souls of other ghosts. Not only is that incredibly sick, but also very frightening. The poor undead soul is doomed to a second death, one in complete oblivion, presumably with no hope or method of return.

Even consumption-by-sandworm seems to have a higher likelihood of survival than a Delores-sucking, seeing as how Betelgeuse survived the sandworm attack at the end of the first movie. Delores was dispatched by a random sandworm at the end of the second film, which leads me to believe that once that worm finishes digesting her, she’ll be back to wreak havoc on Betelgeuse and anyone in his vicinity. Although Delores is a pretty tough chickie, so I could easily see her turning the tables on the sandworm and sucking the life out of it. If Barbara Maitland could harness and ride a sandworm in the first film, Delores should be able to crush one like a can of beer.

If Delores were to return in the third film, there would need to be some other villainous presence to cause problems. So, while Delores is a perfectly terrifying villain, I think there should be an additional villain in the form of an evil dog. A Hellhound, if you will.

Think about it – in the first film, a sweet-looking mutt is directly responsible for the deadly accident that killed the Maitlands. In the second movie, Betelgeuse reminisces about the loves of his life, which include Delores, Lydia, and a random-ass dog that apparently belongs to Tim Burton. I love it. Let’s take it a step further, and cast a dog as the villain of “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.” The dog doesn’t have to say anything, because no one wants a talking dog movie, but it should cause awful mayhem. If Tim Burton’s dog is unavailable for filming, then I propose the casting director find a Chinese Crested, because those things are gross. Maybe it could be taken down with the help of a good-hearted xoloitzcuintle.

Speaking of possible helper creatures and the ins-and-outs of the netherworld, could we expand on the afterlife just a little bit more? The moons of Saturn have a cool look, but a few additional planes of existence would be a nice way to build on the strange celestial bureaucracy in which our human characters often find themselves dumped. For simplicity’s sake, here are a few extra ideas of alternate planes of existence for characters to explore:

1. Seaworld! This world can be visualized in two ways: either by opening a door and having a tidal wave of salty water dump on the poor door-opener, or it could be a view of the deep ocean separated by a magical veil. If you could include the visual effect of a starfish getting stuck on someone’s head or a crab pinching their nose, that would help sell the idea.
2. Oceanworld! It’s like the option I listed above, but a whole planet dedicated to ocean!
3. Spaceworld! A door that opens into space. This could be visualized by a star-studded galaxy.
4. Spaceworld but Bad! A door that opens into the void of space, and it’s just a black hole. This door would be convenient for killing bad guys. (Note: I don’t know if there being a black hole means it’s no longer the “void” of space because I am not an astronomer)
5. MC Escher World! Think of the stair set from the movie “Labyrinth” and reuse that bad boy. It would be so freaking rad.
6. Hellraiser World! Have a guy with a bunch of thumbtacks in his head say a few creepy words about sadomasochism.
7. “Rick and Morty” Rip-Off World! Watch any episode of Rick and Morty and make a vague rip-off of whatever parallel reality those characters visit. I’m partial to “Froopyland,” with the inbred muppet creatures, but it’s up to Burton. Change it up slightly to avoid a lawsuit!

So now that we have a few ideas for expanding the universe, what about the story itself? Well, the best stories are character-driven, so let’s take a look at some of our characters. After the events of “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice,” the only characters we’re guaranteed are Betelgeuse, Lydia, and Astrid, as several of our other mains from the first Beetlejuice film are no longer in the picture.

Lydia mentions in this film that Barbara and Adam Maitland, the ghost couple from the first movie, found a loophole that allowed them to stop haunting their house and move on to the Great Beyond. While that’s a nice ending for the characters, part of me wishes that the two could return in some capacity. The first movie was so good because it followed Barbara and Adam’s trials as they were trapped in their house with the obnoxious Deetz family. The story of the poor ghosts being terrorized by their living inhabitants was a great way of flipping the script of the typical “ghost haunting” story, and their subsequent bond with Lydia Deetz, as they became her sort of adopted parents, added a wholesome, heartfelt element to the story. And remarkably, the Maitlands were a married couple who loved each other and enjoyed each others company. How often was that kind of unproblematic romance present in movies from the 80s and 90s?

That story of familial love was present in “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice,” especially with the unexpected warmth between Lydia and Delia, but I missed Barbara. Geena Davis is an underrated actress, and as I rewatched “Beetlejuice,” I realized just how important she was to the original story. While there is a canonical reason for why Barbara and Adam Maitland were not in the second movie, I don’t think it would be too difficult to write a reason for their return (or just Barbara’s return if we don’t want to bother with Alec Baldwin). My suggestion is that Barbara Maitland, whilst hanging out with her boo thang in the Great Beyond, sees that Lydia is in trouble and wants to help her out (maybe this could take place right after Charles and Delia Deetz arrive).

Now, regarding Lydia… It’s to be expected that Lydia Deetz would evolve in the 38 years since Betelgeuse first terrorized her and her family, but some elements of her character felt off. The version of Lydia that we meet in this movie is struggling. She’s in a co-dependent relationship with Rory, the sensitive con man. Her daughter can’t stand her, and she thinks her psychic powers are a fraud. Her stepmother is suddenly quite friendly with her. She bears a striking resemblance to Joyce Byers. Almost everything is different about her, except her awful bangs and ability to communicate with the dead. A lot can happen in 40 years, so Lydia’s evolution from a grim, snarky teenager to an emotionally fragile mother is possible, but it doesn’t feel entirely accurate to the character.

What shook me about her character was that she was the star of a ghost-hunting reality show. One of the things that set Lydia apart was her keen insight and inability to notice the “strange and unusual.” She was the person behind the camera, taking photographs of what other people were ignoring. In the third “Beetlejuice” movie, Lydia should return to her roots as the woman behind the camera, taking stock of the strange things she notices. That would be more authentic to the character we grew up with.

It would also be more interesting if Lydia were the one pursuing Betelgeuse romantically in this third film. Even though she seemed squicked out by their age difference and his general disgusting visage, I could see her having a chance of heart and making a move on the man. And why not? He’s got swagger; he keeps things interesting, and, despite all of the craziness that follows him, he has kept his word to her on more than one occasion, saving first the Maitlands, then Astrid. Disagree with me all you want, but Lydia can and has done a lot worse.

Oh, and the actors are supportive of it.

Regarding the actual plot of the third movie, I’ve got a few ideas on the back burner. I’ve watched enough 80s and 90s movies that my brain can now autogenerate cheesy plots like ChatGPT, so I’m inclined to go in the direction of something like “Rosemary’s Baby” meets “Three Men and a Baby” or “Father of the Bride 2.” A demon baby should be involved in some capacity, because that’s always a fun plot device.

Burton, I see so much potential for a third “Beetlejuice,” movie, but it’s up to you act on it. I’ll continue to dream up incredible story ideas, but until you decide to greenlight that next movie (and hire me to write for it), then those stories will have to remain the exclusive entertainment content of all three Happy Hagfish readers.