Content Warning: Some spoilers for “Hot Frosty,” but not in a way that ruins the movie.

In Netflix’s 2024 Christmas film “Hot Frosty,” a young widow, Kathy (Lacey Chabert), places an enchanted scarf on a sexy sculpture of a snowman (Dustin Milligan), thus bringing him the magical gift of life. While the Snowman gently teaches Kathy how to love again, he is also on the lam from an overzealous police sheriff (Craig Robinson). The resulting movie is not very good, but it should get a few chuckles from your boomer aunt.

I had no less than three people send me notices about this movie, which is really my own fault for cultivating the persona of a monster-romance-obsessed lunatic. I have no one to blame for this but myself. However, because I’ve read more than my fair share of gross monster romances, I had higher expectations for this Netflix Christmas movie. Armed with this extensive knowledge, I’ve been brainstorming how I would have made this movie better if I’d been behind the camera.

So, without further adieu, I offer you all the ways I would improve “Hot Frosty.”

One: Sia‘s “Snowman” should have played throughout the movie. “Snowman” is so clearly the song for this movie that I’m embarrassed on behalf of Netflix for the missed opportunity. The rest of the soundtrack is mid.

Two: Kathy should have been either divorced or never married instead of a widow. The subplot of Kathy’s husband dying from cancer was such an unnecessary downer. Netflix, people in real life die from cancer all the time, and when you’re trying to watch a stupid Christmas movie to escape reality, the last thing you want to think of is chemotherapy. If Kathy were instead “too busy for love” or in the midst of a hilariously bad divorce (my suggestion is “no-good husband runs off with former best friend”), the audience would automatically sympathize with her. Within minutes of learning about Kathy’s story, the audience would cheer her on to get that Snowman D. Let Kathy be a little messier so we can live vicariously through her.

Three: This movie needed way more gags. “Hot Frosty” had the premise of a Vera Valentine novel, yet the writers treated the story like a standard Hallmark movie about the joys of opening up your community to new people. It’s great that the fictional community of Hope Springs (or whatever it’s called) greeted the sexy Snowman with open arms, but also, I do not give a single crap about anyone in this town. The focus of the story should be the magical, good-looking Snowman and the woman who will bang him.

Four: Get rid of the useless doctor character who could only explain the Snowman’s existence by saying, “It’s Christmas!”*

*(Unless that scene was followed by a flashback of the doctor in medical school learning about the Christmas-magic-related miracles she would need to anticipate once practicing medicine in the real world. The doctor could then remark that this was her third “Frosty the Snowman” case, and the first happened during her gynecology rotation while she was a resident)

Five: Add an ounce more world-building by explaining why the Snowman was able to come to life. I, for one, think it would have been very funny if, besides all of the boring regular shops in these small towns, there was also a “Needful Things” store that townsfolk casually acknowledged but never visited, that was stocked with cursed items, but those were “just for tourists.” Start the story by saying the scarf brings true love to whoever wears it, and then after the Snowman comes to life and charms everyone, reveal that the “price” of the scarf is that it then kills the true love (so it gives that whole “the Snowman is at risk of melting” plot a little more weight).

Six: The movie never answers my biggest question: “Who sculpted the impressive sexy Snowman in the first place?” In the “Hot Frosty” rewrite, I think the artist should be Kathy’s GBF (apologies for the stereotyping, but I’m trying to use as many tropes as possible for efficiency). I will call this character “Michael,” and he’ll be a struggling artist wondering what his purpose is in life. Michael will be the accidental creator/father of the Snowman, which will give him a renewed sense of purpose. Also, it would be very funny if the Snowman kept referring to this man as “Mother,” so I want that in there. This character can replace the useless doctor.

Seven: The sheriff’s plot was stupid and a waste of Craig Robinson’s talent. I want to recast him as the vengeful owner of the Needful Things store. He can have a chip on his shoulder because the townsfolk don’t frequent his store enough. Then, he can still have a big character moment later in this movie when he helps to remove the curse on the enchanted scarf and make the Snowman a real boy.

Eight: Kathy and Snowman should hook up way sooner. That’s why the widow plotline needs to go. Instead of “Can Kathy learn to love again?” the story should be “Can Kathy take this sentient Snowman seriously as a romantic partner?” because that is funnier.

Nine: Aside from a couple innuendos, this movie was tame. Milligan is only naked for a few moments at the beginning of the movie (with the scarf artfully preserving his modesty) before he puts on clothes. It’s so boring. As a long-time reader of “Ice Planet Barbarians,” I need more than just a few gags with a shirtless man to catch my interest.

So here’s what I propose: halfway through the movie, when Kathy is ready to get “steamy” with the Snowman, have him reveal off-screen that his penis is a carrot. Until corrected, he will think this is completely normal, and there will be many carrot comments throughout the rest of the movie. Snowman can get a real weiner later after the Needful Things owner takes pity on him and makes him a real boy.

Ten: Let Dustin Milligan drink a glass of water. He had the look of a man who was dehydrating himself to make his muscles pop. Actors should not have to risk organ failure so thirsty audiences can ogle them.

Would these changes lead to the greatest Christmas movie of all time? Probably not. But at least the movie would stand a chance at becoming a cult classic instead of being relegated to the forgotten pile.