A few weeks ago, while I was writing about and watching Bridgerton, I was dealing with a disgusting personal matter—not about myself, but about my dog, Daphne.
Daphne’s a unique dog. The rescue I got her from said that she would be “normal” once she adjusted to her new surroundings, and nine and a half years later, her anxiety and fear regarding the outside world remained unchanged.
Misfortune seems to follow Daphne like a sad raincloud. In addition to her years of mind-altering terror, she’s experienced her fair share of disorders, as well as a brief stint as a runaway (a terrifying ordeal that was well-documented on Facebook). I’ve spent what must now be months of my life worrying about Daphne and even, on occasion, mourning Daphne, only for her to shrug the equivalent of her doggy shoulders and move on with her life.
One of those occasions arose a few weeks ago when my sweet Daphne contracted a little gastrointestinal issue of mysterious origin. It was a horrible, awful experience. During this time, the poor thing was extremely ill, leading to her severe discomfort and exhaustion, my severe discomfort and exhaustion, and the destruction of quite a bit of my property. It was a hellish nightmare!
In addition, I lost Daphne’s sister, Rosie, a few months prior in what I could best describe as a “freak medical emergency.” That experience left me so traumatized that if I think about Rosie for too long or hear any medical symptoms that even vaguely match Rosie’s, I’ll break down in tears and play non-stop Marissa Nadler. The thought of losing Daphne so soon after losing her sister was like a knife twisting in my kidneys, and I was out of my mind with worry.
But now that it’s been a few weeks and Daphne is relatively stable, I’m going to write about all of the good things that happened because of the event I have now dubbed “Poop-pocalypse.”
One: I Got Very Good at Spelling the Word “Diarrhea”
I’ve never been a strong speller, and the advent of autocorrect has done little to help me. But after my week from hell, I became a pro! Now, if I ever need to write a letter to a pen pal, I can spell “diarrhea” with no problems.
Two: The Puppy Had a Fun Time
Daphne was miserable, and my heart ached for her. Do you know who wasn’t miserable? Little Penelope, my friendly puppy, who thinks every person is her friend and every day holds new possibilities for adventures. Penelope loved tagging along with us to the emergency vet, where she met countless new buddies and received near-endless attention from pet lovers.
Three: I Got to Do That “Apartment Deep-Clean” On My Summer Bucket List
A few weeks back, I made summer bucket lists with my friends, and one of my items was to deep clean my apartment. However, it’s one thing to want to clean and another to actually do it. Lucky for me, Daphne coated so much of my apartment in piles of [redacted] that I had no choice but to spend days cleaning, scrubbing, and disinfecting every inch of my temporary home. Yay for me!
Four: She Destroyed a Ton of Furniture I Would Have Had to Move
Yes, I mentioned that this home is temporary. I’ll be moving back to the Bay Area soon, so I’ll have to move a ton of stuff. Some items I would have had to move included my beloved pink futon and three hideous rugs that I only had for sound-muffling purposes. But then Daphne turned much of that stuff and many other things I once loved into a biohazard. So I had no choice but to get rid of it. Another win for me!
Five: She Destroyed So Much of My Stuff That I Get to Buy New Stuff
While I mourn the items I had to throw away, I also embrace the opportunity to buy new stuff. I adore few things more than shopping for gadgets and clever solutions to problems that don’t exist. While transporting an actively-leaking Daphne from the vet hospital to my third-floor walk-up, several items, including the “swaggy” food cooler gifted from my old accounting firm, were destroyed along the way. So I got to pretend to be sad while I filled my Amazon shopping cart to the brim for cute new car accessories. Poor me, I am now forced to shop for a new cooler for my car that matches my all-pink aesthetic.
Bonus: People Were Very Nice
My scorching hot take on life is that most people are generally kind, decent, and thoughtful when given the opportunity. I found no shortage of these people when taking care of Daphne. My friends were endlessly supportive, letting me use their washers and listening to me vent. My family checked in regularly. The veterinarians at the hospital were professional and empathetic. Also, they gave me a ton of free GI-friendly pet food samples that otherwise would have cost me hundreds of dollars. The random people I encountered at the hospital or in the world who knew of my situation either had a kind word for me or a little scratch for Penelope. It all made a very scary, uncertain situation a little less awful, and I am very grateful for that.
As of today, Daphne and Penelope are both in good spirits and, I hope, in good health. Now I’ll get back to writing about Bridgerton and science fiction and all that good stuff.
Just let me buy a new cooler first. Does anyone have any recommendations?
Happy Hagfish 
What a nice perspective on a scary and stressful situation! I’m glad Toppers is doing better!! 💗
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I am so glad Daphne is feeling better! But damn not a “leaky Daphne” line
I hope you got a new pink cooler!
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