This past week, I completed another 365 days around the sun. I live in the middle of nowhere and had no intention of traveling to celebrate the occasion, so I set my sights on something else: going to every chain store and restaurant I feasibly could and trying to obtain free items. For those interested in my journey and my spoils, I’ve created a list of all the places I visited and whether or not the experience was “worth it.”

Starbucks

Item Obtained: Free Beverage

Experience: This marked my first experience with heavily depending on an app only for it to stop working and struggle to upload my data. It was not fun. After I made some small talk with the barista, he kindly took me at my word (and looked at my ID) and made me a Venti Summer-berry drink. Now that it’s been more than a day, though, I honestly can’t remember what it tasted like, although I guess if the color “blue” had a flavor, it would be that. The barista then asked me how old I was turning, and when I told him my age, he grimaced and apologized to me, which was so great. I took my drink and felt like a hag.

Worth It?: Yes*.

*Due to the ongoing crisis in Gaza and the allegations that Starbucks has financial ties to Israel, some people are encouraging a boycott of the chain. I had some difficulty finding authentic sources that explained the issue. Either way, if you do not feel comfortable going to Starbucks, I do not recommend it.

Target

Item Obtained: 5% Discount

Experience: If you have a Target Circle account and enter your birthday before the day of, you should have access to 5% off of any purchase. I had Target Circle but didn’t put in my birthday because I’m an idiot. Then, when I bought my pajama set, I tried to look as pathetic as possible to the nice cashier, and she kindly gave me my little discount.

Worth It?: Yes, but it’s only 5%, so don’t get too excited.

Bath and Bodyworks

Item Obtained: Hand Sanitizer

Experience: I went to Bath and Bodyworks full of hope and ready to sniff a candle or two. I asked the nice people working there about birthday rewards programs, and they told me to download the app and enter my birthdate. I had made an account with this company back in 2015, so I thought I could find my old login information, and it would take a minute or so to set everything up. Easy peasy. Obviously, that didn’t happen, and I spent precious minutes trying to figure out how to update my birthday in the stupid, unreliable Bath and Bodyworks app. Eventually, I got my account updated but had no reward waiting (a common occurrence with the apps), so one of the employees took pity on me and let me get a hand sanitizer, probably because she was afraid I’d have a meltdown if I didn’t get my teensy little birthday treat.

Worth It?: No. Who needs an app to buy candles and lotion?

Mrs. Fields

Item Obtained: Nothing

Experience: If I could eat one thing for the rest of my life (and magic would prevent me from ever getting sick of it), it would be the frosted cookie cakes at Mrs. Fields. With every bite of cookie cake, I feel like the pleasure-sensing neurons in my brain are firing at full capacity, and when I am done with cookie cake, I weep, for there is no more cookie cake to conquer. I knew I wouldn’t get a cookie cake for free, but I thought there might be some “get a free cookie” experience, so I tried my luck at the local Mrs. Fields. The nice, overwhelmed lady who worked there looked extremely uncomfortable when I asked about possible birthday rewards and blew me off by saying it was her first day. She seemed tired and anxious, and I didn’t want to be “that guy,” so I walked away.

Worth It?: No, I felt like a tool.

Qdoba

Item Obtained: Free meal with chips!

Experience: Feeling discouraged from my miss with Mrs. Fields, I wasn’t sure how things would go down at Qdoba. Except the cashier at Qdoba was either having the best day or is the nicest person on the planet and gave me a free burrito bowl with an entire bag of chips. It was incredibly generous, and I hope the cashier had a magical day.

Worth It?: Hell yeah, but only if the worker is nice.

Ulta

Item Obtained: Hairbow

Experience: Christ, this one was painful. I went to the Ulta store, assuming everything would be fine because I’d had an account with them since 2011. Except I forgot that it wasn’t exactly my account, but the joint account my mom set up for herself, me, and my sister, Bean. The app was difficult to use in the store, and when the cashier looked up the phone number, she noticed that the birthdates didn’t match. Then I had the joy of explaining that the person who’d set up the account had passed away, which is a super fun conversation to have when all I wanted was a stupid sample of mascara or shampoo or something. For the one-thousandth time, I considered walking away, but honestly, the discomfort of the experience hardened my will, and I was not going to leave this Ulta without my stupid little trinket. I spent way too long discussing Ulta rewards and accounts with the cashiers, at one point almost requiring a manager’s interference because “you can’t just change a birthday in the app even if that birthday belonged to someone who’s no longer alive.” By the end of the conversation, I had a customer service number I had no intention of using because I would rather abandon my 2011 Ulta account like a clogged toilet at a house party than risk ever having an experience like that again. The cashier then took out a box of miscellaneous garbage from behind the counter and “let me choose,” which felt deeply reminiscent of the “prize box” my mom would dole out to her third-grade students, which they didn’t know was full of my old stuffed animals. I selected a hairbow at random. Even though I felt like I had to stand my ground, the freebie felt tainted, so my friend graciously took it off my hands.

Worth It?: If your app is up to date, sure. Otherwise, prepare for an excruciating experience.

Crumbl Cookies

Item Obtained: Nothing.

Experience: The restaurant smelled like yellow cake batter disinfectant and the decor was reminiscent of the cafeteria at Stanford Hospital, except without the warmth and crunchy ice. I’ve never been to Crumbl cookies but it’s been fun to observe their cult-like followers gush over the giant cookies, even if I think Crumbl is just another version of Sprinkles Cupcakes and will inevitably go out of business. The reviews of the cookies ranged from “Scrumptious” to “Undercooked Salmonella Factory,” and I like making cookies myself, so this was my first time going. I asked the cashier about birthday rewards, and he immediately told me I would receive nothing unless I downloaded the app and that the app was inconsistent and could take up to 24 hours to deliver my “reward.” I left feeling dejected and embarrassed. I don’t plan on going back.

Worth It?: No.

Zips Drive-In

Item Obtained: Ice cream cone

Experience: This was a pleasant surprise. My friends and I drove through the drive-thru at Zips and asked if they did anything for birthdays. At first, the drive-thru operator was apologetic and said there was nothing he could do, so we wished him a good day and made a point of leaving. Then he had a crisis of conscience or maybe just realized how much he hated his job and decided to offer a group of adult women a single ice cream cone with sprinkles. I didn’t eat it (that honor went to my friend), but I felt like a Viking after the successful raid of a wealthy monastery. I was drunk on power and didn’t want the day to end.

Worth It?: Yes yes a thousand times yes

Dairy Queen

Item Obtained: “Small” Cookie Dough Blizzard

Experience: I drove up to the Dairy Queen drive-thru and got the annoying app ready. I wanted my birthday reward and I was going to do my best to play by the rules. Except when I went to order, the drive-thru operator at DQ was having the best day of his life or maybe DQ is just a chill place, and he offered me a small blizzard without asking to check my app or my ID. He also gave me a cup of water, which at that point was tasted like the nectar of the gods because I was so thirsty from the day’s escapades. I know water is usually free, but it was a really good water, so I wanted to note that. My “small” blizzard was also pretty substantial and practically a meal in itself, and it took a long time to finish. My friend was with me and ordered the blue raspberry slush, which she said tasted like a combination of “medicinal syrup and crushed ice,” so I guess if you’re going to DQ, stick with the ice cream.

Worth It?: YES. I felt like the Queen of the Dairy.

Chipotle

Item Obtained: Guacamole

Experience: I blame myself for this one. I blame myself for most of these awkward encounters, but this one was on me because I should have known better. Chipotle is a stingy little restaurant that upcharges every little joyful addition to your meal, so why would a birthday make that any different? The nice woman working the assembly line told me there was nothing she could do unless I downloaded the app, which I did. However, the app took too long to work and refused to register my status as the birthday princess, so I could not get my birthday reward. I still wanted to get something, so I paid money for a whole meal, and with the app, I got a shot-glass-sized serving of guacamole sans chips. The Chipotle staff kindly placed my lettuce in a different container so that I could have fresh lettuce when it was time to eat my meal (because by then, I was stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey and couldn’t eat anything else), which was very thoughtful. Overall, I lost both money on that purchase and my faith in Chipotle. I want to shout out to the nice person working at Qdoba because her generous contribution of chips made my sad Chipotle meal infinitely better. Qdoba lady, you rock.

Worth It?: No, unless you are obsessed with Chipotle and regularly use the app.

Jimmy John’s

Item Obtained: Shame.

Experience: I like Jimmy Johns, and I’m only slightly embarrassed by that admission. Their vegetarian sandwich hits the spot, okay? So I had registered for Jimmy John’s rewards earlier that morning because I’d heard rumors of an 8-inch sub as the promised birthday treat. I craved those 8 inches. My friend and I went to the local Jimmy John’s and spoke with the cashier about birthday rewards. She looked up my phone number and, with a panicked glint in her eye, explained that there were no rewards listed under my account and that there was nothing she could do because the system was occasionally glitchy. Between the fearful look in her eye at possibly being verbally berated by an angry non-customer and the multiple gallon-sizes jars of Hellmann’s mayonnaise decorating the restaurant like stag heads in a hunting lodge, I began to question my life choices and worth as a human being. I left slightly disappointed, but I know I’ll go back because I need another hit of sweet, sweet candy.

Worth It?: Nope.

Insomnia Cookies

Item Obtained: A cookie

Experience: I had low expectations, but I wanted to try it because a free cookie is a free cookie. I expected an experience similar to Crumbl, and given Insomnia’s Spartan interior, I don’t think “customer experience” is high on the company’s list of priorities. However, the cashier was very nice and offered me my choice of classic cookie. I hope that the cashier gets all the free cookies his heart desires.

Worth It?: Yes

Taco Bell

Item Obtained: Nothing

Experience: I pulled up to the Drive-Thru and explained that it was my ~special day~, to the complete disinterest of the operator. Although I did have the Taco Bell app on my phone and normally would be willing to fight for my right to birthday goodies, this was not the hill I was willing to die on. Also, Taco Bell is so cheap that I’m willing to debase myself and pay for my food.

Worth It?: No

Pizza Hut

Item Obtained: Disappointment

Experience: My friend and I walked into Pizza Hut, thinking that maybe this place would offer little mini pizzas or breadsticks or something charming like that. I asked the cashier if they offered any birthday rewards, and she went to fetch her manager. The manager approached us with fear in his eyes, likely expecting some kind of verbal confrontation, and explained to me that there were no free birthday treats to be had at that Pizza Hut. Internally, I experienced all five stages of grief, but then I remembered that Pizza Hut is gross, and I was tired, so we thanked the man and concluded our day.

Worth It?: No

What About Non-Chains?

I did visit a few local non-chain stores, but I’m choosing not to write about them because they are irrelevant to people who don’t live in my neighborhood. The process for requesting free items from a local business is extremely different from going to a chain restaurant. It is uncool to go to a small business you don’t regularly frequent and demand free stuff. I do not have those similar reservations for multi-million dollar corporations.

At every place I attended, I did my best to be polite to the retail workers at these locations for obvious reasons. It is not the retail employee’s fault that their company’s app is glitching and refusing to recognize that I’m the special birthday girl and deserve free things. I understand that almost every retail employee is just a cog in the unrelenting capitalist machine, and I do not want to add to their list of trials. So, to all of the retail workers who were so kind and generous to me even though technology got in their way or who were put in the awkward position of delivering difficult news to potential Karen, I appreciate what you did.

My Suggestions for Companies Operating in Late-Stage Capitalism:

Can we please stop with the apps? I had to download at least 4 apps yesterday, all of which I plan on deleting as soon as possible. I understand wanting to “reward” customers who frequent your business so that they have a reason to continue spending money, but there has to be an easier way to keep track of those customers without requiring them to download glitchy technology. Using these apps was a frustrating and futile experience that made the day needlessly stressful and added an unfair burden to the retail workers who had to gatekeep my free guacamole. Wouldn’t it be easier to show them my ID to prove my birthday? They scan a little barcode, and I get my chips and mosey on along.

In addition, these apps are unreliable, and realistically, people are most likely to download them when they’re at that very location. Maybe restaurants and businesses could consider having some kind of fail-safe discount code on hand so that customers don’t associate the unpleasant feeling of an app failing to work with that store.

Why Does This Matter?

Whether or not people are entitled to free crap on their birthdays is not a pressing issue in society. But I don’t want to dismiss it entirely. I, like many other people, have experienced birthday depression. It’s an issue that becomes more prevalent in people the older they get, and it’s something that I don’t think we talk about enough. Our society is profoundly ageist, and the truth is, after you reach a certain age (usually 30), birthdays can become an extremely unpleasant experience where you are habitually reminded of the unrelenting progression of time and your inability to do anything about it.

Oh, and all the things you’ve failed to achieve. Don’t forget about that.

Suppose you have a supportive community or are so busy with your incredible work or hobbies. Another birthday may be an opportunity to make memories with friends or pursue your interests. But if you’ve moved to a new town, had a falling out with a friend, lost a family member, or found yourself in a precarious social position, a birthday can be a difficult reminder of all the things in your life that are not going well.

Free iced coffee from Starbucks or a Crumbl cookie will not fill the holes in your life. But a little treat and positive interactions with people in the real world may be just the thing to lift someone’s spirits. If you’re already having a bad day, and then you have to struggle with the Ulta worker to get a free makeup wipe or whatever, that will make it worse.

Not everyone can afford to travel or have an extravagant birthday celebration, so those little goodies make a difference in the quality of someone’s day. It’s not Taco Bell’s responsibility to make my birthday magical, but I do have more positive feelings towards the places that were easy to interact with, and I’m more likely to go back to those places after my birthday and give them my money.

Conclusion

It was a fun and sometimes terrible experiment, but I’m glad I did it. I’m also incredibly grateful to my friends who tagged along for some of my journey because having my friends nearby made me feel a little less embarrassed when these interactions went south. It’s also extremely kind of someone to give up their precious time to watch you visit 10+ chain stores when that time could have been spent watching “X-Men ’97.”

Anyway, happy birthday to anyone reading this post who is looking for ideas. Please share word of your spoils in the comments so that we may lift one another and celebrate our victories.