Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.

Damn, sorry you’ve had to be alive for so long. That’s rough.

But now that you’ve made it to 100, I bet you’ve seen a few interesting things!

What is the year 2092 like? Is it like “Soylent Green,” or is it more reminiscent of “Foundation”? Do we live underground to escape the terrible light and heat, and then feed on the weak and simple people?

No judgment if you’ve done anything like that. Eat people, I mean. I’m a little disappointed in you for giving up your mostly vegetarian values, but as I don’t know what horrifying apocalyptic events may have occurred in the years between 2024 and 2092, I want to be fair to you. Plus, I still refer to myself as a vegetarian even though I constantly cheat when in the presence of smoked salmon.

And sushi.

And a lobster boil.

Aside from what I’m sure is a horrifying diet, I am curious about the other things going on in our life. It would be nice to know about marriage and children and all that (I know, how pathetic is it for me to admit that I want to find true love and have family? Cringe, right?)

However, as we are now 100, I am much more concerned about our quality of life. What is our mobility like? Do we need help going to the bathroom and showering? Do our joints ache?

What is the pooping situation like? I think about this a lot, not just because we’re 100.

And that’s just the physical concerns. How are we doing mentally? Are we lonely, depressed, or showing symptoms of dementia? Or have we experienced such intense cognitive decline that we’re not even aware of our surroundings?

That last thought depresses me. I don’t want to live in a world like “Soylent Green,” but I hope I would be aware of it.

To my family, if I have one, it’s cool if you want to pull the plug. If you’re keeping me alive to collect my social security checks (assuming we haven’t run out), normally I’d say “get that bag,” but keeping me around as a vegetable does not sound fun.

It’s okay if it’s time for me to go. Contact your local thanatoriam and tell them to collect me so that I can be recycled into Soylent Green crackers. Then, the next time one of them has lunch, remember that, in a way, I’ll always be with them.