In 1999, my family took a trip to the UK. As my sister and I were idiot troglodytes with no appreciation for art, culture, or travel, my parents had to devise ways to keep us entertained without embarrassing the family. 

In addition to challenging us with scavenger hunts in museums and forcing us to go to every tourist attraction (which, bless my mom, she must have arranged everything and been exhausted), my parents turned to local theatre. Or, more specifically, my dad did, as he has always loved the performing arts, whereas my mom thought musicals were proof of the existence of a cruel, unloving god.

He took my sister and me to see two musicals, creating for me a lifelong love of the performing arts and, for my sister, a deep-seated fear of freaks in costumes. Those musicals were “Starlight Express” and “Cats.”

Everyone knows what “Cats” is, and they know about the garbage live-action remake, but just in case you’re unfamiliar with it, I’ll link a few videos below. The point of those videos is clear: Do not hire people to direct musicals who do not like musicals. 

Seeing “Cats” performed live in theatre was fun, and I remember feeling like my soul was transported to another realm during the song “Memory,” but it didn’t compare to the exhilarating rush of “Starlight Express.”

To anyone who did not have the privilege of watching “Starlight Express” on stage as a child, I pity you because that experience was the dopest shit of my life. It’s a live-action musical about singing trains. All the actors race around the theatre on roller skates as the music blasts in your ears and blinking lights and metaphorical trains surround you. It was amazing. As a child, it was the greatest moment of my life. It was the closest thing I ever had to a religious experience.

There’s a huge problem with putting “Starlight Express” on for an audience. The production costs to create a stage capable of simulating the train races would be ridiculous, not to mention the elaborate train-inspired costumes. Plus, getting an entire cast to race around on roller skates is no small feat. One wrong move and Rusty the Steam Engine will topple into the audience and crush someone in the first row.

I say this not to discourage people from attending or attempting to put on live productions. As stated before, seeing this musical live is an incredible experience and a fantastic way to introduce easily bored children to the wonders of musical theatre. 

Not everyone can travel back in time to the 90s and book a flight to London to catch a live show (or just go to London now, where the show is back in action), so we should get a “Starlight Express” movie. 

If the movie has to be made in Germany because that is the only country that’s shown any loyalty to the musical, then so be it. I’m okay with that. But a movie should be made.

If I could offer a few suggestions for the “Starlight Express” movie, it would be this:

One: Singing trains are a dumb concept, but that’s okay. The story is told from a child’s perspective, so lean into the silliness.

Two: Don’t try to force a group of underpaid visual effects artists to render human-monster train hybrids. We do not need a repeat of that.

Three: Starlight Express would likely translate best to film as an animated movie, where people are likelier to forgive stuff like “trains don’t sing and dance.” If it is reminiscent of “The Brave Little Toaster,” it would be a hit or at least have a shot at cult status. 

Four: If this is an animated movie, avoid world-building. This movie doesn’t need to become the “Cars” extended universe where we learn there is a Pope train and the train version of Catholicism. I do not need to know where baby trains come from.

Five: The movie musical will likely need additional songs, so find a young pop star and have them start writing. Maybe Olivia Rodrigo secretly loves trains and has been waiting her whole life for this moment.

Six: Remove as much outdated, offensive material from the script as possible. “Starlight Express” was written in the 1980s, so I’m sure there is at least one joke that’s aged badly. 

Seven: If an animated movie is out of the question, then embrace the weirdness of the human trains. Put people in costumes and have them race around a set. Give it the “Wee Sing” magical treatment, and don’t try so hard to make everything look realistic. 

Eight: Hire a musical director who knows what they’re doing. Guy Ritchie directed the Disney “Aladdin” movie and the movie suffers for it. On the other hand, Kevin Lima directed “Enchanted” and “A Goofy Movie,” two incredible musicals, and would likely be up to the task. 

Nine: If going the live-action route, cast some cute young people in the roles. Milo Manheim is good at musicals and simping for pretty girls, so he might be a good choice for Rusty. Corbin Bleu is a charming fella who probably knows how to roller skate, so he could play a non-threatening bad guy.

Ten: Have one of the OG “Starlight Express” performers appear as an older character, as a “passing of the torch.”

I think the world could use a little “Starlight Express” magic. That magic would be best expressed in the form of an animated musical, but as I do not hold the rights to the story, I have no say in what happens.

What I can say is that if you have the chance to watch “Starlight Express,” you should. It may not make as much sense as “hideous man thirsts for teenage opera star” or “cats have a party to decide who goes to Cat Heaven,” but it has its charms. Let’s give non-German audiences a chance to experience that magic for themselves. 

This movie could usher in a new age of musical theatre fans. It could bridge the cavernous gap between musical theatre fans and train enthusiasts (because I’m certain those groups have never interacted). It could even get people seriously thinking about the environmental benefits of public transportation, prompting additional investments into high-speed railways.

This may be just a dream, but didn’t Rusty once dream of winning the big race? Or the Starlight Express? Or Pearl the girl train? I don’t remember what the musical is about beyond “trains.” Either way, we have to start somewhere.