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Like not nearly enough people, I have been anxiously waiting for the third season of Seth McFarlane’s “The Orville” since the season two finale aired in 2019. Since then, a lot has happened. I got a master’s degree and a new job. There was a pandemic— and a new presidential administration. This blog sprang into existence. One of the show’s actors had a baby, which is much less impactful for me, but a true testament to the fact that time has passed and life is different now. More than ever, I desperately want the delightful escapism that “The Orville” provides. I want to laugh at the characters’ silly antics, feel transported to beautiful new galaxies, and cringe at the horrible future fashion (Kelly’s date dress in episode 12 was a crime against fashion and eyesight).

As of September 2021, there is still no official release date for the Hulu show, though production has recently finished. To help me pass the time a little quicker, I thought I’d go ahead and write out a list of things that I want to happen in “The Orville” Season 3, and maybe I’ll have the joy of seeing these items checked off of my list. I might even make a bingo scorecard if I’m feeling wild. We’ll see.

Without further ado, here is my list of events I would love to see unfold in this new season:

1. More Dann. I don’t just want more lines from Dann – I want a whole damn episode dedicated to this beautiful, bulbous, romantic dork. The man has neat shirts and loves to refurbish antique furniture, and I want to see more of him. I want to know what else he wants in life. Maybe we’ll see him find love? Perhaps he’ll finally publish that book of poetry he’s been writing. Or maybe, just maybe, he’ll become best friends with Gordon and John. I would also love to meet his parents, especially if it turns out his family is full of super cool leather jacket-wearing, thrill-seeking adventurers, or if they’re like, the Space Boyles.

2. Let the songbird that is Gordon Malloy spread his wings and share his gift with the world. I’m not sure what song Gordon should sing, but if “The Orville” were to decide to have a musical episode, he needs to do the heavy lifting. I don’t care what reasons the show creates for him to sing – karaoke night, trying to serenade a girl, encountering an alien race that communicates solely through the beauty of song – whatever, I don’t care. Give the man a solo.

3. Mr. Yaphit – I’m more than ready for this jelly. His attack against the Kaylon soldier in “Identity Part 2” blew my mind. Yaphit engulfed and seeped into the Kaylon’s mechanical body’s cracks like a hagfish expelling itself into a shark’s mouth. It was such a creative, clever move that fully took advantage of his gelatinous form. I could live without another weird sex scene involving him and a non-gelatinous life form, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

Edit: On September 14, 2021, I learned that Norm MacDonald, the incredible comedian and voice behind Yaphit, had passed away after a 9-year battle with cancer. While I didn’t know him personally, I am deeply saddened by this loss. He brought so much charm and charisma to Yaphit’s character, and I am grateful to have had the chance to enjoy his work. I do not know how this might change Yaphit’s character in the third season, so I’ll just say that I’m glad we had a good two seasons of Yaphit.

Yaphits family foto as a fake oil painting in printable size. from TheOrville

4. I want to see a dope, hand-to-hand fight scene between a Kaylon and a Xeleyan that takes place ON XELAYAH. And by “dope”, I mean I want to be entertained by whatever means necessary. To elaborate: Due to Xeleyah’s high gravitational pull, objects that can exist in normal earth gravity are crushed as easily as my dreams of being a doctor after I went to college. I think that the Kaylons might experience the same physical effect and that their normally indestructible metal forms will be highly weakened by the high gravity. Xeleyah is an erudite planet, and most of its citizens are scholars, not fighters. So what might a fight between the two look like? My theory: the saddest, lamest slappy-fight of all time. It would be glorious. It would be like if the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz decided to duke it out; the resulting fight would be a live-action version of the Marionette fights from “Team America: World Police.” Give this to me, Seth McFarlane. It would be so good.

5. I need a space wedding. More specifically, I need the kind of space wedding that Star Trek consistently failed to bring me. Below are my criteria for this wedding:

1. Beautiful wedding costumes. I need to feel like I’m at the Space Met Gala.
2. Weird Cultural traditions. Are the betrothed naked for some portion of the ceremony? Is something (or someone) ritualistically burned? Is there an airing of grievances? Give me something to think about!
3. It cannot remind me of Worf and Jadzia Dax’s wedding. The ceremony itself was fine (even if I think Klingon stories are tedious and pompous), but Jadzia’s wedding dress makes me feel like I’m at an Arizona Renaissance Faire.

6. Regarding the Ed and Kelly situation: I love them as friends, and I like them together as a couple. I think the show improved exponentially once Ed admitted how much of an asset Kelly was in his life, and the two stopped taking swings at each other, but I’m open to the possibility that they might not be the best romantic couple. So here are some options of what I’d like to see happen:

Option 1: Ed and Kelly say “screw it,” resume their relationship, get married, and give me the beautiful space wedding I’ve always wanted.

Option 2: Ed and Telayah get together. I realize that this may be controversial to some people, but hear me out. In the episode “Nothing Left Except the Fishes“, Ed mentions that he and “Janelle” had at least twenty movie night dates, in which Ed chose the movie every time. Think about that. Have you ever watched a film with someone who was way more into it than you? I have. I’ve been that person. This means that on twenty separate occasions, Ed selected a movie he’d already seen to watch with Janelle, during which he almost definitely said, “Hey, you need to watch this” at least once during the movie’s duration. Could you imagine doing that twenty times? Watching TWENTY films with a guy who was way more into them than you and more than willing to educate you on why these movies were so fantastic? That sounds excruciating. Thus, my theory is that Teleyah was secretly totally into Ed because no woman would do that for a guy she didn’t like. And I’m here for it. If Ed and Teleyah got together, I’d be down.

7. Claire and Isaac get back together. I feel a little vulnerable here because I was so genuinely surprised and delighted when they began dating in Season 2. I want Ty and Marcus to get a robot daddy and for Claire to get a cutie robot husband and for all of them to be a happy family who navigates life together. I think the possibilities for stories are endless (think of Marcus or Ty trying to date someone for the first time and Isaac awkwardly inserting himself).

8. There should be some kind of resolution to the constant Bortus and Klyden conflict. I was impressed with how “The Orville” dealt with Bortus’ lingering resentment and anger towards Klyden after Topa’s gender-reassignment surgery. The show has also skillfully illustrated that Bortus is adaptable to changing cultural norms while Klyden will cling to outdated, harmful traditions to preserve his heritage. I don’t think that Klyden is evil, but he has internalized Moclan culture’s most regressive values. I do not necessarily want to see Bortus and Klyden separate – I think there is genuine love between them, but the characters are growing opposite directions. I could see the show resolving this by forcing Klyden into a situation where he has to confront his bigotry and change to survive and acknowledge how he has perpetuated the Moclan cycle of gendered harm and atone for what he has done.

9. A “Cube” episode. You know what I’m talking about. Or maybe you don’t. Allow me to explain: a few months back, I watched the 1997 cult-classic “Cube” and was utterly blown away by the inventive set design, clever script, and fully realized characters. Also, the death traps were neat-o. If “The Orville” can be influenced by all forms of science fiction, especially Star Trek, then I want a bottle episode of sorts where some of the characters are trapped in a dangerous maze and have to use their wits and talents to survive. It would give the cast an excellent opportunity to work together to solve a complex problem without me fearing that one of my favorite characters will get a blast of acid to the face.

Edit: For those interested in talking more about the amazing movie “Cube,” please check out this article where I praise it and then propose alternate endings!

On a purely self-indulgent note, I would absolutely LOVE if MacFarlane used his Hollywood clout to get “Cube” stars Nicole de Boer (aka Ezri Dax from Deep Space 9) and David Hewlett (Rodney McKay from Stargate) to guest-star. 

I have no idea what the third season of “The Orville” will bring to us, but I’m ready to be transported back to that world again. Hopefully, that world will include a slap-fight and the space wedding of my dreams. More importantly, we’ll get to see our characters continue to grow together and go on adventures. But, space wedding or not, I will be content with whatever Ed Mercer and the rest of the crew throw my way.