When Bean was four, she shoplifted a box of Barnum & Bailey Animal Crackers from Target. My mom only realized this after we were in the car, but she was furious and dragged my little sister screaming and crying back into Target to “confess her crime.” Mom marched Bean up to the first disinterested cashier on duty and forced her to admit to her cookie theft. Then, once my baby sister blubbered out a tearful confession and returned the opened box of animal crackers, Mom turned to the cashier and said loudly, “So, she’s going to go to jail now, right?”

Bean never shoplifted again.

My mom was skilled in the art of scaring her children, but if there was one tool missing from her parental arsenal, it was Krampus. Had she known the power and terror of the Krampus myth, I have no doubt she would have deployed it whenever one of her kids, whether that be biological or a young student, began to act up. And with a little coaching, you, too, can strike fear into the hearts of children.

Before anyone gets their panties in a twist, I generally believe that all kids are good, but all children have the potential to be annoying twirps. You can love someone and also be annoyed by them. That’s life.

In one of my real-world jobs (because being a Happy Hagfish does not pay the bills), I work with kids, and some of them are still at an age where they believe in Santa Claus. Christmas is an extremely exciting time for young kids because it’s one of the few times a year they can indulge in ridiculous, fantastical beliefs (like Santa Claus and the magic reindeer), eat like crap, and get tons of stuff, deserved or otherwise. For young kids who celebrate and who have parents who can go all-out, Christmas is the best.

Unfortunately, Christmas also puts a great deal of stress on parents. If you spend five minutes on Pinterest, you’ll see ten thousand craft ideas for things to do throughout December to prolong your child’s magical month. Things like different poses for Elf on the Shelf, or ways to make it look like Santa’s bootprints are on your carpet, or instructions for homemade advent calendars. If you enjoy doing that stuff, more power to you, but none of that stuff is necessary for your kid to have a happy childhood.

Sometimes Christmas can also bring out the feral monster in each child (I speak from personal experience, as I was one of those kids), and parents, teachers, and babysitters have to rely on the old, “If you don’t behave, I’m calling Santa” approach.

That does occasionally work (and it certainly did for my sister and me), but if your kid is resistant to the “I’ll tell Santa,” threat, then you may need a different tactic. And so for those parents, teachers, and babysitters, I would like to suggest one of my favorite Christmas monsters: Dear Old Krampus.

Krampus is a horned goat-like creature that accompanies St. Nicolas on the night of December 5th. If December 6th is a day when St. Nicolas passes out small treats to well-behaved children, December 5th, or Krampusnacht, is the night when Krampus punishes the badly behaved children. If you think Krampus sounds scarily German, you would be correct, because Krampus is from Alpine Folkloric tales, so basically, he’s from all of those countries in Europe where evil stepmothers would abandon their unwanted stepchildren in the woods.

The character of Krampus has been steadily gaining popularity in the United States and Canada, with films like “Krampus” and other TV shows generally watched by weird degenerates.

However, Krampus has also begun to make a name for himself in children’s literature. The illustrated “Little Krampus” books by Killian S. Wolf are extremely cute, kid-friendly stories about Krampus Jr.’s holiday adventures. If your kid is a little older, the chapter book “Krampus and the Thief of Christmas” is a spooky good time. Many authors have unique takes on the character, so keep that in mind when searching for Krampus-related stuff.

(For the love of God, do not look up a random Krampus book on Kindle Unlimited because 99% of those books are very not appropriate for younger audiences.)

I love that writers and creators are embracing the Krampus character, because although Christmas is often perceived as a bright, cheerful holiday, it has some spooky origins. After all, this holiday occurs during the darkest days of winter, just after the Winter Solstice, when the world outside your home was full of mysterious, unknown horrors.

I choose to think of Krampus as the alternate version of Santa. Like if Santa is the carrot, Krampus is the stick. They’re two sides of the same coin, and they shouldn’t be pitted against each other (which happens quite often in movies and books), but rather they should work together to bring order to the world and ensure children have enough reasons not to act like little trolls.

When working with kids, there’s a fine line between telling them a spooky story in a fun way (like the “Casper” movies) and traumatizing them, like when my friend’s parents took her to see “Child’s Play” as a kid because they thought “Chucky” was the toddler from Rugrats.

After a brief incident in which I accidentally made a student think there was a subterranean race of morlocks living under our classroom, I try to be mindful about the scary stories I share and usually follow them up with tons of qualifiers and additional details so those kids won’t leave with nightmares. When December rolls around, and that extra bit of magic is in the air, I’ll give Krampus a brief mention. Other characters, like the Yule Lads and the Caganer, can get a shout-out. Kids love stories, especially when they combine a little magic with their lived experiences. They also really like it when those stories mention poop (poop is like the height of comedy for kids).

But as I said earlier, I’m not telling them about a horror-movie villain, because I’m not a psychopath. I usually keep it to a concise, “Krampus punishes naughty children, but you don’t have to worry about him, because you’re all so very nice.”

The reactions that follow are interesting. Most students accept my comments at face value, especially if they’re not of German descent, because why would they need to care about an Alpine legend if they have no connection to that region? But every once in a while, the more self-aware kids are curious about Krampus and want to know what exactly qualifies as “naughty.” These students will tentatively raise their hands and ask, “But what if you’re a little bit naughty?”

Now, as I said, I’m not a monster, so if a kid asks me this question, I’ll lie and say that Krampus knows that everyone makes mistakes and as long as you try to be a good kid, that’s what matters, and blah blah blah. I don’t want any kids thinking that an evil goat-man is going to punish them for sometimes fighting with their siblings.

But…

….if you told your darling child that Krampus loved to visit kids who picked on their little siblings, would that be such a bad thing? If you said that all the gross stuff your kid did, like picking their nose or not washing their hands after using the bathroom, was something Krampus really got upset about, would they stop shoving their little fingers in their nostrils? If your angelic offspring knew that Krampus hated it when they threw their shoes everywhere, would it be possible that their tiny yet expensive shoes would stay on their feet?

In the past, Krampus would punish wicked children with birch rods, but that comes from a different time. I’m a soft snowflake who’s very anti-corporal punishment, so I suggest the Krampus-style punishments be more chore-oriented. A good alternative might be “Krampus will make you wash a mountain of dishes” or “Naughty children have to pick up endless piles of Krampus poop.” Throw a little fantastical twist on a hated chore, and you’re in business (personally, I hate having to put gas in my car, so my Krampus-style punishment would be to drive a car that’s constantly five miles away from being empty, so I have to continue refilling it).

Sometimes a carrot is a wonderful motivator, but for some people, the threat of losing a reward is not enough to deter bad behavior. Sometimes you need to break out the big guns and suggest to your misbehaving kiddos that Krampus is on his way. It’s a lot less time-consuming than posing a stupid elf doll 25 times.

Krampusnacht is this December 5th, so you still have some time to retrofit this legend to match your Christmas celebration. And if you want to share how Krampus is a part of your Christmas, the Happy Hagfish would love to hear it.