Content Warning: The following post mentions issues like the biological intricacies of pregnancy, but also, not really?

The best picture in 1994 was the Robert Zemeckis film “Forrest Gump.” Seeing as how Zemeckis is now incapable of creating a movie without poisoning it with off-putting CGI, I feel even more justified in saying that the award for best film should be stripped from him and given to the man who created the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, “Junior.”

“Junior” is about a brilliant scientist, Dr. Alex Hesse (Schwarzenegger), and his OB/GYN partner, Dr. Larry Arbogast (Danny DeVito), who invent a miracle drug that reduces the chance of miscarriage in any person. And I mean any person. If you’re worried this plot sounds a little heavy – don’t, because the stupidity will start soon.

Blah blah blah, plot happens, and Dr. Hesse finds himself in a position where Dr. DeVito convinces him to try the drug on himself and get pregnant. Dr. Hesse is like, “This is an insane ask,” and Dr. DeVito is all, “Bish aren’t you a scientist???” and Dr. Hesse is like, “fine I’ll do it,” and there was no discussion of ethics committees or the IRB and I’m pretty sure this entire movie plotline violates the Geneva Conventions.

The real snag in their plan is that they need a healthy ovum to create the embryo for this experiment (Dr. Hesse was able to provide the swimmers for this science project, but no female reproductive organs, so no eggs). An opportunity presents itself through Dr. Diana Reddin (Emma Thompson) and her cryogenics project. If, at this moment, you’re wondering why Thompson would waste her time trying to class up this movie, just appreciate that she’s here at all.

You may also be wondering where the embryo might implant itself, seeing as how Dr. Alex Hesse is a cisgender man and, therefore, does not have a uterus. If this was real life, it would implant nowhere, and the embryo would not survive. However, this movie is about a magical drug that can make an embryo stick and grow anywhere, so you need to learn to stop worrying and love the “Junior.”

Dr. DeVito pulls an “Igor-via-Young-Frankenstein” move and riffles through Dr. Reddin’s storage of cryogenically frozen eggs, pilfering one labeled “Junior.” He does not disclose the egg’s origins to Alex and instead pretends that the egg came from an anonymous donor. After all, their plan is to get Alex pregnant for a few months, collect the data, and then have him stop taking the magic pregnancy drug, in sort of a “fetus-deletus” move.

Except it doesn’t go that way, obviously, or else this would be a boring movie about unsanctioned medical experiments. Alex, after having hilarious pregnancy symptoms and forming a weird situationship with Dr. Reddin, decides he wants to carry the baby to term and be a Papa. And friends, I’m all about choice, so I supported our man.

If you are looking for thoughtful social commentary on gender, biological sex, and the complicated burden of pregnancy, then look elsewhere (the 2014 Canadian film “Two 4 One” might be a better option). The main character in “Junior” is a heterosexual, cisgender man with a face carved from cement, and I doubt the movie was trying to make a social statement beyond “it would be funny if the guy from ‘Predator’ acted like a hormonal pregnant lady.”

As it turns out, I agree with this concept. I got a kick out of watching the Terminator act out ridiculous pregnancy stereotypes while sweet-talking Emma Thompson. It was bizarre, but so am I, so I was into it. I delighted in the unconventional love story between two socially inept scientific geniuses, and I love that it had a happy ending. In my experience, unless Hallmark makes the movie, good things don’t usually happen to female scientists. In just about every other show and movie, something nightmarish occurs, like the dinosaurs take over the park, or they go through 5+ years of CW-esque trauma. They don’t get to play cute, funny characters who are brilliant and also get the guy.

It helped that Thompson is a talented actress who could create chemistry with any actor she works with. Same with DeVito. They’re both charming, likable actors who work well together. I even liked the subplot Devito’s character had with his ex-wife, who finds herself pregnant by another man but still values her friendship with DeVito. Their second-chance romance was another unexpected joy.

And Arnold, to his credit, puts his entire steifen into the part. While I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a Schwarzenneggar fangirl, he has been in a few of my favorite sci-fi flicks (like “The Running Man,” “Total Recall,” and “Terminator,” the most romantic movie of all time). It’s easy to get distracted by his thick accent and beefy muscles, but for this role, those features that are normally so distinctly Arnold work well for the character. Simply put, watching “Junior” was not the first time in my life I have encountered a gifted immigrant with a penchant for physical fitness (not to mention all the Ali Hazelwood books I’ve read that have primed me for shredded scientist representation).

Arnold plays the role of the pregnant scientist/body-builder hilariously straight. Even later in the movie, when he must assume the identity of “Alexandra” and dress in drag to take up residence at a maternity home, he never winks at the camera. His commitment to the increasingly ridiculous bit makes it that much funnier.

Part of me feels like I should call out this movie for gross scientific inaccuracies, “Cinema Sins” style, except I have no desire to do that. The truth is, I would like to live in a world where this amazing pregnancy drug existed. It truly sounds like a miracle drug. I can think of many people, not just women, who would love the ability to carry their own child to term. It’s a nice fictional drug that would change the world for the better. So I wish it was real, and I liked temporarily inhabiting a world where a cisgender man could become pregnant and experience the beauty of fatherhood. It made me happy.

So yeah, maybe I was being facetious when I said “Junior” should have received every Oscar, but given what a nightmare this year has been, I was all too ready to enjoy this wholesome disaster of a film. The last few weeks have been brutal, and if I want to enjoy an Mpreg movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, then I have earned that right. And if I want to troll Archive of Our Own for “Junior”-related fanfiction (which exists but not enough), then I will do so, and make myself right with God later.