Content Warning: Spoilers for the 2023 film “Saltburn,” but if you’ve been on the Internet at all over the past few weeks, none of this should be a surprise.

I’ve spent the past two weeks watching nothing but Hallmark movies. 

I’m collecting data on these movies for a project, not because I’m a secret Hallmark movie fanatic. Although I understand they’re objectively terrible, I’ve seen so many that I can feel them warping my worldview and my sense of taste. I feel like I’ve spent the past two weeks eating the film equivalent of those circus peanut marshmallow candies, and my body desperately craved a salad, so I thought something critically lauded would be an appropriate palette cleanser. 

You can see where this is going. I chose “Saltburn,” having mistaken “generating conversation online” as “positive critical reception,” and that was a mistake.

“Saltburn” was written and directed by Emerald Fennel, probably most famous for her film “Promising Young Woman.” Fennel also had a brief stint in the show “Call the Midwife,” as well as an appearance as “Midge” in the “Barbie” movie. So far, I’ve enjoyed her projects, and I’m holding out hope that Midge will be the villain in the rumored “Barbie” sequel. 

Ever since “Saltburn” landed on Amazon Prime, it’s been nearly impossible to avoid spoilers. I knew the movie contained a few offputting scenes, so unlike the Hallmark Channel, this wasn’t something to watch with grandma. As the days dragged by, it seemed like every other post I encountered online had some “Saltburn” reference, whether it be about Jacob Elordi’s bathwater or the scene at the end set to the now-popular song “Murder on the Dance Floor.”

Thus, when I finally did watch the movie, not only did I expect most of it, but the shock value wore off significantly. Also, anyone who’s spent more than five minutes perusing dark romances on BookToks is desensitized to almost everything, and I’m part of that unfortunate group.

“Saltburn” was not the palette cleanser I needed for my Hallmark-saturated mind. As much as I enjoyed the ending dance sequence to “Murder on the Dance Floor,” it did little to erase the memory of Candance Cameron Bure’s lackluster performance in “Journey Back to Christmas.” 

“Saltburn” was a smart movie, but I wasn’t blown away by its cleverness, and I think most dedicated movie watchers would feel the same way. The movie is beautiful to look at. Barry Keoghan gave an excellent performance as Oliver Quick, the main character who barnacles himself to Felix Catton (played by Jacob Elordie). “Saltburn” skillfully captured the intensity of Oliver’s obsession with Felix, who seemed like he wanted to absorb Felix like a Female Angler Fish absorbs a mate.

I like how Oliver denied he was in love with Felix yet continued to do a series of revolting and deranged things to him and the rest of the Catton family. I love how he called himself a vampire and seemed fixated on consuming whatever he could of the Cattons (the vampire metaphor worked extremely well with this movie). It reminded me of the intense relationship between the two main characters from the novel “Call Me By Your Name” (I haven’t seen the movie yet, so I can’t comment on that).

Oliver’s obsession with Felix felt very reminiscent of “I’m not in love with you, but I would definitely tie your murderer’s corpse to the back of my chariot and drive it around the palace of Troy in front of horrified onlookers. But like, as friends.” Except in this scenario, Oliver was also directly responsible for Felix’s demise, so Oliver would just be dragging himself.

I thought the main character was less of a brilliant sociopath and more like a sad weirdo who was extremely lucky that the family he preyed on was full of self-destructive, monologuing idiots. He describes himself as a predator, but he feels more like a scavenger. 

Even the Skeksis from “The Dark Crystal,” were more subtle, and effective, in their quest to feast on the life essence of the Gelfling race. And they were, like, literally draining those muppet fairies. 

Some people have incorrectly categorized “Saltburn” as an “Eat the Rich” movie, but that’s an inaccurate description. Oliver Quick is not as crafty or conniving as the Kim Family from “Parasite,” nor as resourceful as Margot from “The Menu.” It’s still worth a watch, but you may not feel entirely satisfied by the film’s conclusion.

Unless you really want to see Barry Keoghan’s wang, then forget what I said about being unsatisfied.