Okay, obviously, at some point, it’s going to get frigid in the Pacific Northwest. Unlike the poor people in “The Midnight Sun,” our Earth is still completing its usual orbit and is not falling closer and closer into the sun. Unfortunately, we do still have to live with the reality of climate change, which includes worsening heat waves. And even though it’s tempting to be cynical and to write a list of tales to make people feel worse about how hot it is, that attitude isn’t helpful. It’s also important to remember that even if you are young, healthy, and love saunas, there are people around you who are more vulnerable to this heat, and they deserve our care and protection.

So here are a few tips for keeping your temperature down in these worsening heat waves, at least until we figure out a way to stop the world from turning into Arrakis. Now, some people may not like my tips for various reasons, although the most obvious will be, “But I don’t have _____.” I would like to kindly remind those people that they are not the main character of the universe and that they are welcome to offer their own suggestions.

One: Go to Any Streaming Site and Look Up the Word “Penguin“

Congratulations – you now know my super-secret tip for finding “cooling” media. You can’t feel like your skin is on fire if you’re watching “The Pebble and the Penguin,” can you????

If the word “penguin” makes you think of the Galapagos penguin and therefore not appropriate for your search, then expand your search to either “sled dog” or “polar bear.” You’re welcome.

Two: Check To See If There is a Cooling Center Near You.

This list has cooling centers by state. Some states need to work harder to make more people aware of this.

If you’re not sure where a cooling center may be located, then head to your local library, which has a wealth of free resources. Air conditioning is often one of those resources.

Three: Fill Your Bathtub with Cold Water and Pretend to be a Hagfish

You need to stay in the tub for longer than ten minutes if you do this. None of that “Okay, I finished my wine, now I’m bored nonsense.” If hagfish-play (I’m going to trademark that phrase, so don’t steal it) isn’t your thing, then bring a book. If you’re concerned about wasting water, then remember you can reuse the water in this tub for your garden (if you have one), or you could also use it to wash your pets or clothes or whatever. Also, it’s not wasteful if it prevents heatstroke.

Four: Wet a Towel and Throw It In Your Freezer

Once frozen, take it out of your freezer and enjoy the intense cold. Place it near your pulse points (like neck and wrists) for additional effectiveness.

Five: Unless You Own Waterfront Property, Don’t Bother Going to a Lake or Ocean Right Now

Everyone you have ever met in your life will be flocking to the closest body of water to cool off and relax. If your idea of fun involves hanging around a bunch of sweaty, loud people, then go ahead and ignore my advice. But realistically, the water will likely still feel extremely cold, so it’s not as if every person will be swimming. They’ll probably be hanging out on the shore, getting day drunk, and slowly cooking in the sun. Those who do go in the water will almost certainly forget to reapply sunscreen, and that sunburn will last a lot longer than the cooling effects of any lake or ocean.

If you’ve, like, built a pond in your backyard, and what I wrote doesn’t apply to you, then go ahead and jump into that baby.

Six: Close the Curtains During the Day and Open the Windows at Night

Light generally equals heat. Closing your blinds deflects the heat. Unless you live somewhere incredibly humid, opening up your windows at night allows the cooler air in.

I apologize if this deluge of information is overwhelming.

Seven: Stop Cooking

Go ahead and make a chopped salad or maybe a smoothie, but this is really not the time to take out the Stouffer’s Lasagna. If you’re wondering, “If I can’t cook how am I supposed to feed myself?” then let me introduce you to the delights of the lazy vegetarian diet (It involves looking up no-cook recipes and replacing the meat with more beans and cheese).

Eight: Embrace the Siesta

If you can, avoid doing anything (except Hagfish-play) during the hottest hours of the afternoon. Give yourself a curfew, and don’t do anything crazy labor-intensive until after the sun sets. In the meantime, take a nap. Or read. Or pray that you’re in an office building with air conditioning, and continue your day like normal because most US offices haven’t really embraced the fun of nap culture.

Nine: Stay Hydrated, Even If You Hate Water

Dear reader, you are very lucky to live on the planet Earth and not on Arrakis or Tattooine, where “Moisture Farming” and “Water Traders” are a thing. Unfortunately, water scarcity is a problem that many have to deal with, but it is highly likely that you are not one of those people. So if you think water tastes “yucky,” you should still drink it, or try to find ways to make it taste more palatable. These methods can include:

1. Get a water filter (basic but true).
2. Get a whole-ass water cooler and set up deliveries.
3. Add lemons or fruits or herbs to your water and pretend to be better than other people. Fruit-infused water won’t “detoxify” you, as that is what your organs are for, but it is pretty.
4. Stick tea bags in your water and make sun tea or cold brew tea (although be wary that caffeine is a diuretic).
5. Consume it in fruit and vegetable form like a little fennec fox.

If you would like to support people who are experiencing water scarcity, here are a few organizations trying to address the problem.

Ten: Embrace Your Inner Engineer and Read Up on “Passive Cooling“

Passive cooling is a way to design buildings to create comfortable spaces with less energy consumption. Ancient Egyptians used to use evaporative cooling during hot summer months. Swamp coolers are a kind of air conditioner that embrace this technique, and while they’re not as effective air conditioners, they also use way less energy.

Now, am I suggesting that you abandon any current career path you are on to become an expert in passive cooling and design structures and gadgets that will help humanity survive in a warming climate?

YES.

That is exactly what I’m suggesting. And hopefully, your efforts, combined with those of every other caring person on the planet, will make this place a little more livable, and for a few more years we won’t have to eat Soylent Green crackers.